Seltzer Bully 004: Clear American Strawberry
I haven't been drinking a lot of flavored seltzer lately, as I've mostly stuck to making my own with a SodaStream. Yesterday, though, I got a push notification on my phone that said Wal-Mart would give me money to try out their new grocery pick-up service and I was like "hell yeah, free seltzer."
First off, let me say that I do not like the experience of picking up groceries at Wal-Mart. It's not that the service was bad—as a fellow retail employee I respect the hell out of bad service and wish I had the guts for it sometimes—but that it's kind of embarrassing to have a stranger wander out into a Wal-Mart on your behalf, put a 12-pack of Clear American Strawberry Flavored Sparkling Water Beverage in the back for you, then have it hand delivered. Still, free seltzer. Hell yeah.
Only this stuff sucks shit. I mean, I reacted so violently to the taste of Clear American's strawberry and other natural flavors that I'm considering pouring the other 11 cans down the drain like whatever beer is in the house the morning you decide to get sober. But I can't fairly review Clear American Strawberry on the basis of one sip, so I'll give it another shot, right now.
...
I can't, y'all. It took me a good 15 minutes to steel myself for another sip, and this shit is so gross I gagged on it. I feel like I am owed an apology from hydrogen and oxygen. I feel like the little bit of this substance that managed to pass my lips is harboring itself in my throat so that it can climb out and murder me in my sleep. I don't know what I did to deserve this, but I'm opening up my hymnal to sing "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me" tonight.