Note: In the aftermath of Fanfyte’s demise (and Fanbyte laying off most of its staff a month later, I am mostly done with freelancing. I know I shift focus of this space and my Patreon nearly every single time I log on, but there’s a lot of things I’d like to do when it comes to writing that doesn’t easily tie itself into set formats. I’m not always going to want to write about music or wrestling or movies in a given week, so why anchor myself? I’ll be posting pieces both here and on Patreon, with no paywall. I don’t find paywalls particularly useful to my own writing, but if you’d like to support what I’m doing, my Patreon and my Ko-fi are probably easiest way to do so. I’ve opened up subscription options here, as well, but again, all posts will be public.
In the nightmare world where I own a wrestling promotion, Jiminy Glick is the backstage interviewer. Everything else is straight. The wrestling is serious, the commentary is informative, it’s just that the backstage interviewer is Jiminy Glick, the tyrant king of Hollywood press junkets. He is himself, but, everything else being straight, he is taken as seriously as “Mean” Gene Okerlund, except that everybody leaves the weird little interview set a tad deflated, as if they’ve peered into the future and realized that their existence on this earth, however big it may seem now, is actually quite insignificant, less even than a fallen statue of a forgotten conqueror. Jiminy, meanwhile, seems kind of bored.
If you’ll permit me to reuse a couple of Tweets, here’s how I think it would go down.
CM Punk
Jiminy Glick: CM Punk. Tell me about your friends.
CM Punk: What do you want to know?
Jiminy Glick: Well, for starters, do you have any?
Hulk Hogan
Jiminy Glick: So, Hulkster, Hulkamania is still running wild?
Hulk Hogan: That’s right, brother.
Jiminy Glick: You mean we haven’t found a cure?
Hulk Hogan: [Visibly deflates.]
Jiminy Glick: I’ve been told that you have a pair of 24” pythons.
Hulk Hogan: [Smiles a bit, flexing his arms.]
Jiminy Glick: Did you bring them with you? Snakes are soooo interesssssting.
Triple H
Jiminy Glick: You used to be quite wealthy.
Triple H: I’m pretty well off.
Jiminy Glick: Do you find it strange that your friends only talk to you when they need money?
Kevin Nash
Jiminy Glick: I’m here with Kevin Nash, who has the confidence to call himself Big Sexy. “Big” is certainly apropos, but “sexy” is a bit of a stretch, don’t you think? How have you maintained this façade for so long in the face of so many mirrors?
The Rock
Jiminy Glick: You’ve been in movies.
The Rock: A couple.
Jiminy Glick: That’s a surprise.
Ric Flair
Jiminy Glick: Ric Flair, you’re … alive. Isn’t that interesting? When I saw your name on the format I thought to myself, “Well Jiminy, nobody’s interviewed a corpse before.” I’ll settle.
Cody Rhodes
Jiminy Glick: Can you give me the short version of your story?
Cody Rhodes: Well, my father, Dusty—
Jiminy Glick: You can always say “no.”
Vince McMahon
Jiminy Glick: It’s such a pleasure to have you here, Vince.
Vince McMahon: Why thank you, Jiminy, it’s nice to be here.
Jiminy Glick: What’s your secret?
Vince McMahon: It’s become a little cliché at this point, but in two words? Ruthless aggression.
Jiminy Glick: And when it comes to covering up a lifetime of alleged criminal activity?
Billy Gunn
Jiminy Glick: You’re a proud ass man.
Billy Gunn: I have been known to appreciate an ass.
Jiminy Glick: What are your feelings on other body parts?
Billy Gunn: What?
Jiminy Glick: Are you a finger man? A knee man? An appendix man? Or are asses a kind of monomania for you?
Billy Gunn: A finger man?
Jiminy Glick: Yes. You know, fingers? They do this—
Jiminy Glick: [Pinches a donut between his thumb and index finger.]
Jiminy Glick: Among other things.
Tony Khan
Jiminy Glick: I have to ask: Are you on cocaine?
Tony Khan: No. I’ve never done cocaine.
Jiminy Glick: There’s plenty backstage if you’d like to try.