Jade Cargill's Championship Celebration Cake: A Review
Hello, friends. You may have heard this already, but I’m a month in on a new endeavor with former Fanfyte contributor Joseph Anthony Montecillo called BIG EGG. It’s a wrestling project, where the two of us write essays and talk about the best wrestling has to offer, most of which I have not seen because I like wrestling at its worst.
So far we’ve done Austin/Hart from WrestleMania 13, a Sangre Chicana/Perro Aguayo hair match, Samoa Joe/Bryan Danielson for the ROH Championship, and an hour long broadway between Antonio Inoki and Billy Robinson. I would have said something earlier, but I was ✨depressed✨. Thanks for sticking with me!
There are many versions of Chekhov’s gun in professional wrestling If you see a table, it’s going to break. If you see a guy fiddling with his jock, he’s carrying brass knucks. The most time honored of these is the cake.
I find myself wondering why cake is the preferred dessert of professional wrestling often enough to be embarrassed by it. The funniest dessert is pie. Everybody knows their power. But you don’t really see pies at a catered event or party, those are the providence of cake, which can be made as large as necessary. You can feed a room with a sheet cake or you can smush someone’s face into it, and wrestling seems to inherently get this at wrestling weddings. Everybody who attends will get a slice, at least in the hypothetical version of wrestling in which the cake survives the segment. It never should.
This is doctrine. So when Jade Cargill came out to celebrate her win over Nyla Rose, I was interested, even if none of Jade’s wins feel special anymore, if they ever did.
This cake sucks. I would be upset with this cake were it mine, but it is not — that mf would be massive if it came out of my oven, and the decoration would be better. This is a television cake, a wrestling cake, and I like ‘em ornate. Forget whatever that top decoration and do a gradient crumb coat, you slacker.
Part of the reason I am so stricken by this cake is that it’s a red velvet. I’m not a huge fan, but the towering ones can be quite pretty. Impressive, even. Also, it would be fun so see someone’s face mushed into a red velvet cake. A crimson mask! Alas, there is nothing there for a face to ruin — the table is swallowing it up because the spread, which was really just the cake and some balloons was so scant. Just this cake! How rude!
But still, divine wrestling law demands that cake be given a sacrifice, and on this occasion, none was offered. Instead, Bow Wow cut a little promo on Jade, who was stricken by the man’s unfinished garage, but not by somebody taking the opportunity to do some confectionary propwork. When Jade and the Baddies left the ring, that sad cake was left on the table, all alone. A symbol gesturing towards nothing, like Tom Green’s bum without the Swedish.
Pros
Desperately has me hoping that red velvet cake becomes Red Velvet’s call for violence, like Steve Austin sending The Rock “316” on his beeper.
The cake had more charisma than Bow Wow.
Cons
Where the fuck is the cake budget?
It’s such a downer of a cake that you can’t even call it “Publix-ass,” which is something you shouldn’t do in the first place because baking is hard, especially at that scale!